But for sure not a baby. Being a mom was for someone much more mature and stable... like my mom. MAYBE in like 10 years, but surely not any time soon. Plus the thought of giving birth literally made me dizzy.
Matt always seemed more ok with the idea. We prayed lots about it, but really just to feel ok about it one day.
I remember a few specific times last fall when I had an overwhelming feeling that the main reason I was here was to be a mom. That even though I wouldn't have any idea what I was doing, that everything I had done or experienced in my life was meant to prepare me for motherhood- and I started to get kind of excited. The feeling didn't go away, if I ever wanted to be reminded of it it would come right back.
Here are some parts of my Journal from last December:
...on the 6th I took a test as soon as I got home from work, Matt was still at school, I couldn’t wait. First of all, those tests are miserable to use- so gross. I left the stick for a while, and there was only one line (not prego).
Matts phone had died so as soon as he came home I told him that I had taken the test, that it said I wasn’t pregnant, but that I felt like I was. Haha I don’t remember why I felt like that…
I showed Matt the test, and he said “Well, but there is kind
of another line”. WHAT!? I am terrible
with small details, but you would think with this… sure enough I looked closer
and there was a tiny tint of a line. Enough to make us think about it but we
weren’t totally convinced.
We went grocery shopping that night and picked up another
test. Again impatient me couldn’t wait so I took another test that night. Another
faint line… but a little more than earlier. 2 tests in a row like this, and we
were starting to think this was something. We had a little freak out in the
bathroom… both of us were shaking a little, and then we talked in the living
room for a bit. I was freaking out.
Friday I went to work in kind of a dase. I am not sure that
I got any work done, I think I mostly just googled everything I could think of.
I also was super dizzy, the
thought of food made me want to puke. Maybe all in me head though right?
Friday night we babysat for Carly and Ryan Bevans. Their little girl was only 3 weeks old. The timing was interesting, this really
helped me to calm down. It melted my heart to see Matt take care of a baby and
I realized that if this was for real we might be ok.
Saturday
morning I woke up with a terrible migrane and feeling like I was going
to throw up. Matt was at ward choir and helping to clean the church. He got
home at about 10 and I was flopped on the couch. I had been looking up any
clinic I could find that did free pregnancy testing, and on a Saturday. There
was only one, in West Jordan. And I had to be there in an hour. I threw on some
sweats and Matt raced us up to the clinic. I just needed a for sure yes or for
sure no. It was killing me not to know, and if a 2 hour drive would do it then
it was worth it.
We go to “Wasatch Womans Center” I pee in a cup. Finally we
will get a good answer. We wait. The lady calls us up to
the test and says “so why did you want to take a pregnancy test?” Ummm for
real?! Why do you think woman. Tell me the darn answer. She goes on to say that there was a very very faint line. So I could be,
or couldn’t be. It was hard to know. Dang it! We already knew that much. She
told us to come back next Saturday and they would know better.
I started feeling a little better, but the question was in
the back of my head the entire time.
Monday morning at work it was back to googling everything.
This time I learned that when I was taking the tests it would be very early to
get a positive test. But I learned that by Dec 10th I would get a
correct positive, if I really was pregnant. I also learned that I should take a
test in the morning instead of at night. Nows a fine time to tell me. So the
next morning I woke up a little earlier and we took the test. The second line
showed up pretty quick that time.
Maybe this is for real!?
The next morning I found an OBGYN and made an appointment
for the 18th.
Needless to say I was super distracted all week at work and
counting down the days until I could get a for sure answer.
Saturday the 15th (yesterday) we took Nicole up
to the airport to go home for Christmas. On the way home we again stopped at
the womans center. These people better be able to give me a dang answer. Pee in
the cup. Up to the desk. It’s a positive!!
This is when I think we both really started to believe this was happening. We
figured out how to tell our families at Christmas, and started talking about
all sorts of plans and timelines and baby things.
It still seems so.. unsure to me. And there are so many
things that could go wrong this early. I am so anxious for the appointment on
Tuesday. And it is also killing me not to tell everyone… mostly mom. I have so
many questions and I just want them to know!
My due date is August 17th. 3 days before our 2nd Wedding anniversary.
It kind of seems like all of that was forever ago. I have had an insane amount of feelings and thoughts on the topic since then. There have been some unreal highs (hearing the babies heartbeat {twice}, telling our families, planning out the next 20 years with Matt) and some lows (I HATE not being in control of my tear ducts, waking up all through the night when I am so tired I can't see straight, and when peanut butter turned on me and I couldn't stand the smell of the stuff).
As of yesterday I am 18 weeks. Almost half way?! Scary. About 2 weeks ago most of my pants shrunk and decided not to do up any more. So I supported the top button undone, long shirt, hope no one notices style. A little risky for my tastes, so I talked Matt into taking me maternity clothes shopping last Saturday. Its hard to guess how a big baggy shirt will fit with a big baby belly underneath. They had a fake, strap on baby belly at the store you could try things on with. We strapped the ol boy on, and it freaked me right out. But it was kind of fun, Matt brought out his camera for that one- which is rare.
There have been countless "new-s". Most are exciting, some are painful, and a few just make me feel really really fatty.
Truthfully Im not sure if I feel excited or scared more often. Its probably scared. But I still know that this little baby growing inside of me is the reason that I am here. For 1000 different reasons I know that Heavenly Father is so aware of Matt and I. And I know that for all of our questions and concerns He has answers and peace for us- and that he is going to help us take care of this little person He is sending to unprepared us.
Now excuse me while I once again go slop up the teary mess that is my face. And probably eat second breakfast.
